Writing is hard, and it’s hard to truly understand your genre. There are nuances, tropes, and clichés you have to be mindful of. Fear not! I have compiled the ultimate checklist. Follow this list, and I guarantee your book will probably almost match the book you want to write. Maybe.

ü  Fading regency estate (alternatively, well-to-do Victorian household)

ü  Dramatic sunrise

ü  Threat of suitor/arranged marriage to loom over our heroine

ü  One heroine: eldest of some number of sisters, rebellious, headstrong, unconventional

ü  Her name is probably Elizabeth

ü  But she probably goes by Zabe, because forget historical norms

ü  One romantic interest: brooding, dark-haired, well-built, mysterious, aloof; above all, rich

ü  He probably goes by his effeminate last name

ü  At least two house parties

ü  Not like for frats, for stuffy wealthy Brits

ü  Libraries. Nothing is sexier than kissing against the shelves

ü  Your heroine is not like other girls

ü  Horses

ü  Like, she knows how to read

ü  References to either Napoleon or Victoria; it shows you did your research

ü  Heroine complaining about her wardrobe/marriage prospects/life

ü  Because how awful is it to have a nice house?

ü  And supportive parents?

ü  And nice clothes to wear?

ü  An obvious “no” in the marriage department (cousin, stutterer, religious, considerate, etc.)

ü  Dubious older suitor with ill intentions to leave your heroine hot and confused

ü  Is it so bad decent gentlemen sent you flowers?

ü  Best friend(s) for your heroine; identical and gushing over the romantic interest

ü  They are literally interchangeable

ü  And probably both named Katherine

ü  One goes by Ther

ü  One best friend can be poor

ü  But she just lurves serving the heroine

ü  Because she works for the heroine and has no life of her own

ü  And an obvious low class English accent

ü  An insipid rival fiancée for your heroine to sass at dinner

ü  References to Jane Austen or the Brontës. A unique girl only read the most popular literature.

ü  She has flaxen curls and a peachy complexion

ü  Fencing, for good measure

ü  Is it really so difficult to marry Philip Caldwell, Elizabeth?? WHY, ELIZABETH?!

ü  Of course, your heroine is an expert

ü  That rival fiancée purses her lips a lot

ü  “I’m not beautiful, my lord.”

ü  “Yes, you are.”

ü  Swooning (but don’t you dare let your heroine swoon)

ü  Let the bodice hit the floor

ü  Dramatic sunset

ü  Romantic, peaceful epilogue with the heroine and love interest all married and stuff

And most importantly:

ü  Impose modern sensibilities and ideas into your heroine’s head so she seems super progressive

Ughhhh. We can't believe we have to spell it out for all the non-English majors out there, but we just need to get a few things off our chest.

1.) People asking you, "What are you going to do with that?" 

Did you know that they used to taunt Christian English majors by jeering Quid facias eo? when they were thrown into the Coliseum to fight three rabid bears with only a butter knife and barbecue sauce? I think we can all agree that this is a joke shouldn't be funny anymore.

II.) People assume you're not going to have a future.

That's exactly what the Romans assumed when they beheaded St. Pancras at the age of fourteen.

III.) You wanted to write a novel in high school but now you just write listicles

St. Catherine of Alexandria: "7 Times Pride and Prejudice Was Life"

Maxentius: I can't even take you seriously anymore

Catherine: "15 Things You Learn Freshman Year"

Maxentius: We're just going to execute you on the wheel

Catherine: "An Open Letter to Wheels"

IV.) Everyone in other majors thinks you've got it easy.

Just like the Jewish gladiator turned to the Christian one and said, "At least your faith's persecution will only last a few more centuries."

V.) People think your major is outdated. 

But the truth is, some things will always be timeless, like a good story, deep meanings, and having all your teeth yanked out individually by a Roman mob and then immolating yourself on a pyre like St. Apollonia. 

VI.) Pulling all-nighters to finish that paper that's due tomorrow.

English majors are seriously just like St. Felicity - she was eight months pregnant when she was going to be executed at the Roman games, but pushed out her baby THE NIGHT BEFORE to meet the deadline. #thestruggleisreal, and not just for STEM majors.

VII.) People constantly make jokes about you saying "Would you like fries with that?"

Although that really does sound like a snarky one-liner St. Lawrence would say.

VIII.) You randomly nerd out about stuff no one else seems to care about.

Like the famous dialogue between St. Augustine and St. Jerome:

Augustine: Omigod I ship Fourtris

Jerome: That's not even a ship they're like a couple in the book

Augustine: Yeah but I ship them soooo harrrd

Jerome: No one cares Augustine

Augustine: But

Jerome: STFU Augustine

IX.) Your hands are sooo sore from typing....

...So sore that they might spontaneously break into bleeding stigmata, symbolizing your spiritual union with the final agonies of Christ upon the Cross and God's plan for you to preach the mysteries before His flock.

X.) Your professors say that the YA books you love aren't "real" literature

Joan of Arc: YA is a diverse, really popular genre written for people my age because we're all going through tough times of finding our identity and people always put it down as frivolous but I just CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT CLACE OK

English: *put torch on pyre*

BONUS ROUND

Pics of St. Sebastian, who was a New Adult romance cover model before being shot by the Romans

This generator is developed with help from the absolutely amazing site online name generators. Check it out and make your own!http://www.name-generators.com/name-generators/name-generator-script.htm".

It's no secret that fantasy is, by definition, one of the most imaginative genres out there. Authors who stake a claim in fantasy often have to create new species, new systems of magic, new worlds, and sometimes even new dimensions. For these reasons, fantasy is a great way to captivate middle grade readers' attention and provide them with meaningful lessons within a context of adventure and escapism.

But despite the growing popularity of "darker" fantasy, like the rape-and-violence-prone Game of Thrones saga by George R.R. Martin, among adults, it remains important that authors who write for children temper these elements to an appropriate level. "It's a fine line of balance," says author Katelyn Honeck, whose recent book, The Dragons of Aleria, is forthcoming release from Greenleaf Publications. "You don't want to pretend that things like prejudice and darkness don't exist. But you also don't want to include something obscene in a book that a ten-year-old might repeat. Many of them get uncomfortable when you put in real curse words anyway."

So what is an adventurer to blurt when, say, a centaur steps on her toe? A "darn" or "golly," Honeck says, can kill the tension faster than a rampaging orc army. 

"Instead of 'damn,' I usually use 'blast,'" Honeck explains. "Its equivalent in Harroken, the fantasy language spoken in Aleria is draflkr, but I thought it best to resort to Harroken as little as possible. So instead of 'God!", characters take the name of the divine in vain by saying "By the Goddess," which is slightly different but removed enough from reality that moms won't object."

As she was planning out these logistics, Honeck was struck by how many fantasy books can include what amounts to English profanity by simply making up a fantasy curse that means the exact same thing and using it instead. Like many of her favorite authors, Honeck quickly devised fantasy equivalents of "shit" (scatflgr!) and "ass" (ashken - as in "I'll plant by boot straight in your ashken", ashkenag plural). 

"But soon I realized," she says, "that this was only shielding children from the mildest curse words." What about even more vulgar words? Were these to go unaddressed? Honeck soon realized she had her work cut out for her if she wanted to make her fantasy world safe for middle grade readers.

For instance, her characters use fairk instead of "fuck," since the two words come from two different lingual systems, our "fuck" from Old German and possibly Latin, fairk from high Dwarvish, which was used by the Old Ones before the founding of Aleria's First Kingdom, Elderharr. Characters make subdued use of the word with phrases like "we've been on the road for fairking ages", "fairk the police", "I'd like to fairk that nice piece of ashken," and "you fairkfaced motherfairker." It's easy to see how both parents and their children can feel instantly comfortable in Honeck's word.

But, sadly, it gets much, much worse in English than the F-bomb. "I believe fantasy authors have an obligation to address the marginalization and discrimination that takes place in our own reality, in order to show how intolerance can be overcome." For this reason, Honeck devised fantasy slurs for different minorities in our own world. 

WWYA: So not for elves and dwarves? For like, actual groups that exist here on Earth?

KH: Yes - different ethnicities, religions, sexual communities, people with dwarfism (not the fantasy race!), of different mental ableness --

WWYA: Oh my God.

KH: You mean By the Goddess! (laughs)

WWYA: This is kind of horrible. Why don't you just omit the slurs?

KH: They're not slurs in English. 

WWYA: Well - if it means the same thing.

KH: Well, then it's a nice way to hint at the darkness of the real world to kids who might want to explore that, but aren't ready to encounter it, like, in their own lives yet.

Katelyn Honeck lives in snowy, quiet Russelton, Pennsylvania with her husband and fellow writer Mark Wilson. They're kept busy by their two cats, Heather and Milo, and their respective novels. While interviewed, Katelyn was writing a scene in which Kalen Lightbringer, her protagonist, wipes out an enemy brigade with magic and feels regretful for a chapter, showing young readers the human consequences of violence before moving on to the climactic epic battle between two armies. She was trying to figure out a Harroken equivalent for the C-word when she realized that her female characters do not even get periods.


Dragon book art from Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight, painted by Matt Stawiki. Swear jar from photosearch.com.

Writing is hard, and it’s hard to truly capture your genre. There are nuances, tropes, and clichés you have to be mindful of. Fear not! I have compiled the ultimate checklist. Follow this list, and I guarantee your book will probably almost match the book you want to write. Maybe.

 Cerulean/turquoise/amethyst eyes
 “I hate you!”
 Kisses
 “I love you!”
 Smooches
 A painfully hot vampire/werewolf/demon/angel boyfriend
 That beau is possessive and dangerous
 Kissing
 Like, he probably killed a guy
 Classical music (alternatively, piano dates)
 Rain kisses
 Covens or societies of the supernatural creature in question
 Pretty girls aren’t pretty until they get a leather-clad makeover
 Prophesied weapon of power
 Kissing in a romantic botanical garden with sparkly lights
 Your MC is “the one,” but not like Neo from The Matrix
 But Keanu Reeves would be a nice touch
 Give your MC absentee or dead parents
 If a parent is present, he or she is clueless
 And probably an accountant
 Rainy town in the middle of nowhere
 Kisses
 Jealous childhood best friend who becomes a jerk at the drop of a hat
 (It makes it easier to choose)
 Love geometry
 I recommend a dodecahedron
 Latin!
 Classes? What classes? You don’t need no stinking classes
 Stalking
 Marrying at eighteen because they are in such love. Much wow.
 Parents being OK with stalking angel boyfriends
 Magic. Babies.
 Parents somehow being more OK with stalking demon boyfriends??
 Not really kidding about Keanu Reeves, though
 Hot blood trickling from holes in the neck
 Decapitation
 Moan kisses, moan problems
 Raven hair

And most importantly:

 Shameless author self-insertion

In 1989, the world was officially introduced to Bill and Ted, two slacker teens living in the small town of San Dimas, California. With the hope their band the Wyld Stallyns will take the world by storm—and a promise their music will one day unite the world—they go on a, well, excellent adventure to ace history and party on, dudes. While Bill and Ted learned history, I learned everything I know about writing.

1. Make your main characters airheads. They’re more endearing that way.

In spite of the fact Bill S. Preston, Esq., and Ted “Theodore” Logan are flunking history, they aren’t stupid, just endearing. They have expansive vocabularies and show initiative by amassing large stacks of books to study. Every book seems to have a highly intelligent, capable heroine or hero with no social or common sense. Reverse it.

2. Work in Genghis Khan and Joan of Arc somehow.

You may not know it fits in your reimagined Sumerian myth romance war saga right now, but I guarantee they (and any other historical figures) will fit in at some point. Trust me, I’ve read, like, three books on how to write a book.

photo courtesy of MGM Studios

3. Find a catchy slogan that is your story.

Everyone knows the phrase “Be excellent to each other. Party on, dudes!” because it perfectly encapsulates everything that is Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Don’t be afraid to write that first, because there are only seven plots in the universe anyway. That can be filled in later, but that slogan has to be unique enough to be your story. Perfect that, the rest will follow.

4. A threat of military school always adds the right amount of tension.

In the film, Ted is threatened with military school if he doesn’t pass his history final. The most sensible way to add in conflict to your story is introduce a strict authoritarian to threaten your main character with military school. If your characters are in the military, y’know with those teenage rebels and such, threaten them with art school. It is just as effective.

photo courtesy of MGM Studios

5. Reference rock bands from the 80s.

Kansas, Van Halen, take your pick from the bunch. This is especially useful if you’re writing some sort of tribute to the works of John Hughes. Or, if you are writing a sci-fi adventure, this also works surprisingly well, given the success of Guardians of the Galaxy. And if you can work it into your high fantasy or historical romance, critics will be impressed with your writing talent. Problem solved.

The important thing is to know is that even though multitudes of books have been written teaching people to write, aspiring authors could have just watched Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and saved themselves time and consternation.

Editor too exhausted from Photoshopping the TMI cover onto clipart to write content.